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Why
Women Stay |
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One of the most difficult aspects of domestic violence for people to understand is the seemingly simple question, "Why doesn't she just leave?" Unfortunately, without a true understanding of the answer to this question, people may be prone to blame the victim of the crime adding to her sense of isolation. It is estimated that a woman may leave an abuser seven to nine times before finally ending the relationship permanently. Friends and relatives may be horrified at her situation and support her efforts to leave only to be disappointed when she returns. Over the years, they may become emotionally burned out as they try to help - only to throw up their hands in resignation when she returns to her abuser. Indeed, why doesn't she "just leave?" The reasons are multiple and dependent on each relationship. However, tantamount to every situation is that the victim is under the control of the abuser. The degree to which she is controlled is dependent on the length of the relationship and the personalities involved. But if the abuser is successful at his task, he has dominated every aspect of his victim's life - where she goes, what she does, with whom she speaks. As he isolates her from family and friends, she becomes virtually (or sometimes actually) imprisoned by her once-charming lover. "Brainwashing" is not too strong a term to describe the tactics of a successful abuser. He is a master manipulator who understand his victim well. He knows the buttons to push, how to keep her off balance and how to recast reality so she perceives the abuse as her fault. "If only I hadn't overcooked the dinner." "If only I'd worn the outfit he wanted me to." "If only I hadn't stayed so long on the phone with my sister." "If only I'd gotten the kids in bed before the game started." In addition to the incredible control she is under, the victim may not feel able to leave for a multiplicity of other reasons:
She is embarrassed to tell anyone what is happening. She thinks his outbursts are due to her failings. She loves him and thinks that she can reason with him. She believes that he is truly sorry and will change. She thinks they can get counseling and work out their problems. She believes her religious convictions demand she stay in the relationship. She believes it is wrong to break up her chidren's family. She doesn't want to be "responsible" for putting her children's father in jail. She fears she cannot support her children on her own. She believes him when he says he will take their children from her if she tries to leave. She is afraid to be alone and thinks no one will ever love her. She believes it when he says she will never make it on her own. She becomes hopeless and believes she has no options or control over her life. She develops emotional or physical problems and possibly thoughts of suicide. She sees his tears when she plans to leave and believes she must stay and support him. She believes it when he says he will kill her if she calls the police. She hears his threats of death if she tries to leave and is terrified.
HER FEARS OF LEAVING ARE WELL FOUNDED: The most dangerous time for a victim of domestic violence is when she decides to finally leave the relationship. As the abuser sees his world of control disintegrating around him, he is more likely than any other time to use stalking and/or lethal measures to achieve his ends.
DO NOT TAKE THREATS LIGHTLY!
Call law enforcement (911) and CODA to seek protection. |
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CODA - P. O. Box 1775 - Beaufort, SC 29901 Crisis Line: 843-770-1070 or 800-868-2632 Administrative Line: 843-770-1074 Fax: 843-770-1084 email: coda@islc.net
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